Prussian Techniques:  A SelfHelp Experience
by Streamingwords
Summary: Canada decides that he needs a change.  So when he finds a book that appears to have what he needs, he decides to give it a try.   Human named used.  Drabble that might become a multi-fic.


Just another Canada-themed drabble that I was inspired to write. You can guess who else it features. This is what I am working on while trying to get new chapters for my main fics done.

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Matthew needed a change. He watched helplessly as the other nations filed out of the conference room for a lunch break. Today he had brought an excellent report from his officials with suggestions that he felt would have helped some of the others improve their economic situations – yet when he had tried to interject the topic into the agenda, no one had even registered that he'd spoken a word. The Canadian slumped in his chair with a defeated slouch when the last nation out turned off the overhead lights, thinking that the room was empty.

Something needed to be done.

Sluggishly, Matthew eased out of his chair. He stumbled across the mess of briefcases and unsettled chairs on his way to the door. The Canadian pulled it open and exited into the hallway where the others had long since left him behind. Matthew pondered on what he could possibly do to make a difference in his fortunes. He did not have the mental resources to come up with the solution on his own.

The Canadian ended up going to the library on the complex property. There were several books here full of resources for those nations who needed them. Matthew was surprised to find that there was even a small self-help section. Apparently the mental and emotional issues of many of the nations had warranted someone adding it to the roster of books. It was going to be the best place for him to search for what he needed.

Matthew stopped in front of the shelf. He crouched down in order to peruse the titles of the books. _How to Win Friends and Influence the World Through the McDonald's Philosophy._ Author? Alfred F. Jones. That one was certainly out of the question.

_Communism Works Or Else_ by Ivan Braginsky. Matthew flipped through that one out of sheer morbid curiosity. The pictures in the novel appeared to have been drawn by hand. He shuddered at the content and quickly put the book back on the shelf.

Matthew was beginning to think that this wasn't going to get him anywhere. He let his eyes dance across the other titles.

_I'm Okay, You're A Git: How to Deal With the French_. Nope. Though some of the content would come in handy when Quebec's unrest left him out of sorts.

_Despite Neutrality, Guns Get Results_. Considering his pacifistic tendencies, Matthew doubted that he would find anything useful in there.

He was just about ready to give up completely when the last book caught his eye. Matthew hesitated then slowly slid it out so that he could peer thoughtfully at the title, reading it to himself. _"Prussian Techniques: How to Find Your Inner Awesome_. It even has a compact disc with it." Tapping it thoughtfully against the opposite heel of his palm, the Canadian nodded firmly to himself as he made his decision. This was the one that he'd try.

Everyone was still at lunch. Given that Germany had instructed them to adhere to the strict time length of one hour, the others would probably not reconvene until an hour and a half. That would at least provide him some time to see what the book might hold that he could use to alleviate the stress of his situation. Matthew returned to the conference room and turned the lights back on. He knew that there was a system inside that would allow him to play the disc, and since everyone else was occupied elsewhere then he wouldn't have to worry about disturbing any of them.

Sliding the disc out of its sleeve, the Canadian put the book on the table as he decided to try it out first. He put it into the player, adjusted the volume, and stood back to listen. A booming voice with an unmistakably German-flavored accent came pumping out of the speakers, filling the room with its noise. "_Wilkommen_! You are the lucky individual who will now have the experience of shedding your womanly, sissy ways and becoming in touch with your inner awesome! My time is too important to waste, so let's get started! First off – state your name!"

Matthew nodded. "Canada."

"Who?"

The Canadian glowered at the stereo. "_Canada_!"

"I cannot hear you – speak up!"

"_I'm Canada_!" Matthew yelled at the voice.

"Kesesesese! I knew it was you the whole time because I am the ultimate awesome. If you repeated your name three times, then you are probably a not-so-awesome person."

Matthew narrowed his eyes. He took a step towards the stereo to turn it off. This was a terrible idea after all! His finger was just hovering over the button to eject the disc when the voice spoke again. "Ah ah ah~! I wouldn't turn this off if I were you. There is a mechanism inside the disc that will activate in the event that this lecture is turned off before completion. You must listen to it all the way through or else your stereo will self-destruct. This is how the awesome me prevents people from returning the disc to the store that they purchased it from – thereby cutting into my awesome profits."

The Canadian withdrew his finger with an alarmed gasp. He didn't want to be responsible for blowing up the conference room's stereo system! Matthew hung his head with a weary sigh. The voice spoke again, causing his head to lift. "Don't worry, though. By the end of this lecture you will be firmly in touch with your inner awesome! You will not be anywhere near as awesome as myself but you will definitely no longer be a loser."

"We will now start the first exercise. Step One: How to look the part of awesome. Do this in front of a mirror. You will want to see yourself to know whether you are being awesome enough."

Matthew searched around. He found one of the mirrors on the wall that the nations used to fix their appearance before photographic sessions. The Canadian went to stand in front of it, gazing uncertainly at his reflection as he waited for further instruction.

"Look at yourself. Just look. It must be so hard to be you. Check out your face – do you see how girly it is?" Matthew's reflection started to scowl. "I mean, how could you possibly expect for people to see that as a manly one? You're a pair of breasts away from being completely a woman!" Matthew patted at his chest with a tremble of his bottom lip as the voice berated him some more. "Do you even possess male genitals?"

"Of course I do!" Matthew snapped at the voice.

"Then you should learn how to use them! Exude the awesomeness of _your_ 'five metres'. First, stand up straight!" Matthew obeyed, righting himself from his usual slouch. "Next, lift your chin up – be proud of your metres!" Matthew elevated his chin as he tried to look prideful. "Now I want you to stance yourself wide. Fill the space of your potential awesome." Matthew shifted his feet so that they were spread, fists settling on his hips as he took on what he hoped was a more 'awesome' pose. "Eh? How does that feel? How does it feel to look so much more awesome?"

"I feel like a superhero." Matthew murmured as he viewed the results. "Like… Corporate Man, or something."

"If you are following this lecture correctly then by now you should already be feeling the pool of awesomeness building inside you." Matthew could feel it. He could feel it! The Canadian smiled at his reflection in the mirror, an eyebrow arching over the top of his eyeglasses as he decided that he did look fairly cool like this.

"Now we will go to the next exercise. You have the look, but can you make yourself sound awesome? We shall begin with a scenario: It's your birthday. Your favorite parent forgot to get you a present and did not even bother to send a card or call you with warm wishes. They come to visit you a few days later. What do you say to them?"

Matthew blinked. That was a pretty accurate scenario. He thought about his last birthday, when England had spaced it out. Though England had managed to make the entire trip over a few days after that to attend America's own festivities. Matthew pictured Arthur's face in front of him, stammering out, "I… ah… That is to say, Ar-Arthur, I…"

"That won't do at all! Are you a man or are you an utter fail-nation?" The German voice snapped at him derisively. "Not only did your parent forget about your present, but they also run over your favorite pet when they come over the next time! They eat all the food in your house without even thanking you for the hospitality! As they leave, they compare you unfairly to another sibling and give you the impression that they like them better! Tell them how you feel!"

Clenching his eyes shut as the continued scenario made him more and more angry, Matthew felt it boil over as he shouted at the imaginary figure. "Arthur, you're a _twat_! You like to pretend to be so mature but you act like a total brat sometimes! I hate it that the only time you ever pay attention to me is when you want me to try out your latest 'recipe' because you know that I will never tell you that it is terrible since I am too nice. Your cooking should be _illegal_! Those toxic concoctions could be considered a form of _biological warfare_! If I could even figure out how to _pierce_ the surface of those rock hard pucks you call 'scones', I would use them to make a chain so that I could hang myself!"

Matthew's chest heaved, panting with the force of his anger as he got all of that out in one long stream of words. His eyes fluttered open as the voice spoke up from the speakers. "_Wunderbar_! That was exactly right. Even if they are your parents, they should still learn to respect the awesomeness that is you! Now that you are warmed up, let's try another scenario: Your obnoxious neighbor just purchased a riding lawnmower that sounds like it has an engine from a jet plane. Despite having asked him in the past to stop using it during late or early hours, your neighbor ends up getting drunk one night and decides to drive his lawnmower around at three in the morning. What do you say to him?"

Now this was a scenario that the Canadian was more than ready for. "Fat ass! Stupid, fat, fat head! Stop ignoring me when I tell you that I don't want you causing trouble for me! Your stupid ideas are going to get _both_ of us blown up one of these days. You are a rude, obnoxious bully and the reason why I never buy myself nice things! I'm too paranoid that you will just come and take them from me! You're the _worst brother ever_! And… uh… stop driving that stupid lawnmower or I will call the Mounties on your ass!"

"Kesesesesese! How do you feel now?"

"I feel… liberated." Matthew sounded surprised. His face was flushed from the expulsion of his anger, though his eyes were bright as he smiled in the aftermath. That really did make him feel much, much better. If he just told people the truth about his feelings, then they would be sure to recognize him.

"You have the look. You've talked the talk. Now it is time for you to walk the walk! A man's walk is the easiest and most effective way to reflect your inner awesome to the world. I want you to walk twenty paces forward."

With a shrug, Matthew did as ordered. He walked across the length of the conference room along the table's edge. The Canadian lurched to a stop when the disembodied voice shouted at him. "_Unacceptable_! Those swishy, feminine hips aren't going to convince anyone of anything aside from your potential to provide a good shag!" Matthew blushed clear to the tips of his ears. Was that _really_ how it looked when he walked?

"You should walk with confidence! Nothing says 'awesome' more than a consistent, manly swagger. Walk as though the entire success of the world rides on your shoulders. As if you are trying your best to contain the sheer amount of cool that is inside you. Walk like your five metres is a beast that must be leashed in with every step!"

Matthew gripped his chin as he tried to figure out how that would look. He puffed his chest out with self-importance, swaggering forward across the floor with an arrogant smirk on his mouth. As he crossed the empty chairs, he pictured the faces of the other nations as they admired him while he walked to his seat. Matthew nodded slowly to their invisible, staring faces. "Yeah. That's right. Canada is in the room. Let the meeting commence, ladies."

"Good!" The voice barked at him. "You have the three major tools of awesome now in your utility belt of coolness. Once you have mastered them then it will be time to turn to the more specific sections of awesome highlighted in more depth in the novel that came with this disc. While I lack confidence in your ability to achieve Ultimate Awesome, you are well on the road to unlocking some of your inner awesomeness. Good luck."

There were a few moments of silence on the disc, then an abrupt shout. "I am the ultimate awesome!"

Matthew let out a quick rush of breath as it ended. He felt entirely pumped up right now. His confidence was so high that he felt a little invincible. The Canadian popped the disc out of the stereo, slipped it back into its sleeve and snatched the book up off the table. He needed to test it out! With a broad, beaming smile, Matthew pulled open the door of the conference room and out into the hallway to see what nation he would find first to test his newfound skills on.

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A/N: I could probably do much more with this. Anyone else have confidence that Canada's efforts will not go well? Poor guy just can't catch a break.


End file.
